Late Night Confessions of an Insomniac
CONTENT WARNING FOR RAPE AND MESSED UP INSOMNIAC THINKING STUFF.
It's currently 3:42am as I write those first words.
I don't smoke, in fact I kinda dislike the smell of cigarettes, but I'm very curious about it. How does it feel? How does it taste? I'm specifically curious about a specific... kind? Brand? Flavor?... a Marlboro, red, I heard it is very strong and even my friends who smoke don't like this one... but I feel an attraction to it. It's not like I'm going to die if I don't try it. It's not a burning desire, it's lukewarm.
One of my grandfathers had one single cigarettes when he was a teen... he hated it. A lot. The taste lingered in his mouth a whole day and it was foul. He only had this cigarette because his brothers (or his friends?) pressured him to do it. He never smoked again after that first one.
Another of my grandfathers smoked his whole life. He probably picked up as a teen. He started to work as a teen too, maybe when he was a pre-teen actually... I'm not sure...
Both grandfathers are dead. The first one died when I was eight, the second one died when I was twenty-two. Both of cancer, prostate cancer. That's one thing I'm surely not dying of because I don't have the requirement: a prostate.
I guess I wonder which grandfather I will be... will I throw away the pack or will I keep it around?
It's stupid. I know all the problems smoking cigarettes can cause. I hate their smell. Yet I want to taste one of the nastiest ones I heard of...
It's 4:04am.
Tomorrow, I mean, today but several hours from now, after the sun has risen and set again, I'm going to a concert.
It's the same band I watched a concert for the first time... it's in the same place too... lots of my friends said they are going but this time I'm going alone. Maybe I will see them there... maybe I won't... I never went to a concert alone. It's in a part of town that is dangerous and lately a lot of people have been robbed around there. I'm leaving my current phone at home and taking my old phone with me. I'm going to buy a prepaid sim card to put on it... maybe I will buy the cigarettes too while I'm at it... I have thought about buying those cigarettes several times, but when I get to the checkout I never actually ask for them. There is nothing stopping me, I just... don't get them... even tho I want... I think is because the desire is lukewarm... like my desire to have sex with some stranger I may meet in the concert.
I installed grindr once. Set up a profile. First guy to hit me up was cop that I promptly blocked. Plenty of guys hit me up on there. I chatted a bit with 3 I think... 4 if I count the weird interaction with a guy that was convinced I was a trans woman and needed to shave my body hair to be more feminine... very weird... anyway! I had fun trading naked pictures with some strangers, but when I actually thought about having sex with any of the strangers I talked... I panicked and cried. Guess this deep down is the perfect place for this other confession: I'm really afraid of being raped... again maybe... and I'm also really turned on when I see scenes of rape/noncon on smut/erotica/porn/whatever. I would also really like to roleplay being forced to have sex... Like the cigarettes... maybe I would like to roleplay being forced to smoke a cigarette. Maybe I would like to roleplay being forced to have sex with a gun pointed at me. Maybe I am into those things as a way to deal with my fear of those things... maybe I fear cigarettes too? Huh...
Guess I'll have to add a warning at the start of this post.
4:22am... I'm finally getting sleepy... maybe I'll finally be able to sleep.